Figure Jokes / Recent Jokes

ALL DIET FAQ's answered...
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain?
Eat chicken.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good more...

Several dozen brunette, redhead, and blonde guys were facing execution via firing squad. The firing squad took the brunettes first, and the leader said "Ready, aim... " at which point the brunettes yelled "Earthquake!!!".
The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out whether there was an earthquake or not, the brunette guys all took off and escaped. Undaunted, the firing squad took the redheads next, and the leader again said "Ready, aim... " at which point the redheads
yelled "Tornado!!!".
The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out which direction the tornado was coming from, the redhead guys all took off and escaped. The firing squad took the blonde guys last, and by now the blondes had it all figured out; when the right time came just yell out the name of some natural disaster. So when the firing squad leader said "Ready, aim... ", the blonde guys more...

Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards.
Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish; they just never remove it.
Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear around their beta release schedule.
Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but they lull their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard.
Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for Christmas, but use them more than he does.
Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but to stop them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart.
Real engineers don't shave their legs above the hemline, in the interest of efficiency.
Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning.
Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box of Triscuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses at all times, more...

New, from Mattel...!
[ANNOUNCER]
New MIGHTY-MORPHIN'-JESUS action figures!
With realistic healing and smiting action!
[VOICE OVER]
[child #1]
"Aaannggg... Oh no! G.I. Joe is hit... Cobra leader is
getting away!"
[whirring sound... Mighty-Morphin-Jesus' eyes light and head spins]
[child #1 in Jesus voice]
"You are healed my son... now go forth and kick some ass."
[child #2 in G.I. Joe voice]
"Thanks J-man., Let's go Joes!"
[ANNOUNCER]
Now you're in control... fight the forces of evil with new
Mighty-Morphin-Jesus the action figure.
[Action shot of Jesus figure and He-Man battling Skeletor]
He's back from the dead and he's pissed.
[VOICE OVER]
[child #2 in Skeletor voice]
"So Jesus, we meet again... will you never learn that evil
is stronger than good?"
[child #1 in Jesus voice]
"That may be, my unholy friend, but I know something even more...

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?