Figure Jokes / Recent Jokes

Review: The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95 The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetryin which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes andbold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably GreenEggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower WithMommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under thepseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freudin a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two youngchildren understand their own frustrated sexuality.The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through thewindow of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, alarge tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, tauntingthe children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexualyearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to themost unlearned reader, the blatant references to theincestuous relationship the two share more...

Which two names figure prominently in every Apes diet? Ben/Anna!

Several dozen brunette, redhead, and blonde guys were facing execution via firing squad.
The firing squad took the brunettes first, and the leader said, "Ready, aim. .. " at which point the brunettes yelled "Earthquake!!!"
The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out whether there was an earthquake or not, the brunette guys all took off and escaped.
Undaunted, the firing squad took the redheads next, and the leader again said "Ready, aim. .. " at which point the redheads yelled "Tornado!!!"
The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out which direction the tornado was coming from, the redheaded guys all took off and escaped.
The firing squad took the blonde guys last, and by now the blondes had it all figured out; when the right time came just yell out the name of some natural disaster. So when the firing squad leader said "Ready, aim. .. more...

1. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
2. No food is allowed in the hall in high school.
In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
3. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
4. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at
the teacher's guide.
5. In college, there are no tardy slips.
6. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you
get to live with your friends.
7. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
8. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)
9. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to
choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the
prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
10. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your more...

A man and his wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On our desk we have work stations. GO FIGURE!

If Fedex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Do you think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

People seem to read the Bible whole lot more as they get older, could it be they are cramming for their finals.

There once was a 60 year old woman who suddenly developed a terrible itch in her private area. Not knowing what was wrong she went to her docter.
"doctor" she said "help i have a terrible itch in my private area, im a virgin and i cant figure out what is wrong with me."
The doctor told the woman she most likely had crabs.
"how can this be?" the woman said "i am a virgin, i have never been with a man."
she left and went to another doctor for a second opinion. this time she went to a very old and very wise doctor.
"doctor" she said "help i have a terrible itch in my private area, im a virgin and i cant figure out what is wrong with me."
again the doctor told her she may have crabs
"how can this be?" the woman said "i am a virgin, i have never been with a man."
the old wise doctor took a look and looking up at the old woman said "well i hate to tell you this but it looks more...