Figure Jokes / Recent Jokes

For the first time in Olympic history, a figure skating event was viewed by more than a dozen straight men.

Cromwell and Rasputin
by
as submitted to
Dr. Richard King
The following essay was an actual submission by a student, who was given the assignment: ''Write a term paper
comparing and contrasting two revolutionary figures of your
choice. The figures are to be selected from different
periods of European history.''
Unlike most papers of student bloopers, which are collaborative
efforts, this one is the work of the exceptionally fruitful pen
of a single student. Read it and enjoy!
The English and the Russian revolutions had a leader
that stood out to have an effect on the revolution. For the
Russian it was Rasputin. He was born in the reign of the
Tsar-Emperor Alexander the Second, absolute ruler of over a
hundred million people consisting of fifty some nationalities
and speaking nearly two-hundred-different languages or
dialects. This empire stretched from the Prussian border to
beyond the Pacific Ocean. Rasputin was more...

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences re-done. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?"
So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some calculations and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, more...

Big socialist rally at a stadium on Berkley Campus. The crowd is huge. Attendees are hippie throwbacks, Berkley liberals, every pervert imaginable, all of Hollywood, and of course MSNBC. Two Greek columns on the stage. The crowd is waiting in anticipation. Suddenly, the lightning strikes; the entire place fills with smoke; sparks are everywhere. Out of nowhere, above the crowd, appears a giant, ghostly figure. Floating above the stadium, the figure begins to talk, in a booming, rolling voice:
"I have bestowed a new doctrine upon thee!"
"Thou shall worship me and no other!"
"Thou shall covet thy neighbor's wealth, and thou shall enforce the mandatory tithing upon thy neighbor to the higher authority. The higher authority shall distribute thy and thy neighbor's wealth with wisdom!"
"Thou shall not succumb to the false temptation of profit!"
"Thou shall only abort thy first-born no later that the twelfth month after more...