Figure Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Direct Approach Description: You just say it. Examples - 1. "I got my period today." (The simple version) 2. "I got my period today so we can't have sex tonight." (The "let there be no doubt" version) 3. "Honey, I'm bleeding." (The gross version) Benefits: Fast, simple, gets the message across. Amusing results can be achieved when the timing is right. Such as when you're in a public place or eating dinner. More amusing results can be achieved when you're eating dinner with his parents. The best results, of course, will be achieved when you're eating dinner with his parents in a public place. Cautions: May freak out some men, if you're unsure about the nature of the relationship you're in but would rather not find out at this stage - go for an alternative approach. Sometimes best to keep until the last minute, like when he can't tell you to go home. Will give away the fact that you regard it as an issue (that is, if you regard it as an issue) more...

10. Picking nose when no ones looking
9. scratching bottom
8. trying to figure out what they were thinking 3 seconds ago
7. trying to figure out how to spell their name
6. seeing what number they can count to
5. " uh... "

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from USA, another from India, and the third from Sri Lanka. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So to the back fence they all went.
First to step up was the amarican contractor. He took out his tape, measured and pulled out the palm top, did some calculations and said, "Well I figure the job will run about 900 dollars. 400 for materials, 400 for my crew, and 100 profit for me."
Next was the Indian contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for 700. 300 for materials, 300 for my crew, and 100 profit for me."
Without doing any measuring and calulations, the Sri Lankan contractor more...

25 Differences Between College And High School
In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder. In college, on both.
In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.
In college, there are no tardy slips.
In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)
In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose. That is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out more...

A couple of maintenance men are working around launch pad of the space shuttle
one day, when one of them notices some fuel leaking from one of the fuel
lines. They call mission control, who instructs them to try and contain the
fuel till they can figure out what to do about it.
They start collecting it into buckets, cans, jars, whatever they can find
around. After several hours (it takes mission control a long time to figure
out how to stop these things) one of them decides to take a taste of it.
Jim: "Hey, Joe! Take a taste of this stuff. It ain't half-bad."
Joe: "Are you crazy?"
Jim: "No, really. It's kinda like vodka or something."
Joe: "You're right! This is pretty good!"
Jim: "Yea! And I think I'm getting a good buzz off it too."
So Jim and Joe continue to drink their new-found drink and mop-up the rest of
the spilt fuel, though by now they're not really minding the work. The more...

Three contractors. . . One from Pakistan, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A senior White House official takes them to examine it.
The English contractor: takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will cost $900. . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."
The German contractor: also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Pakistani contractor doesn`t measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: " $2, 700."
The official incredulously says, "You didn`t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Pakistani explains, "$1, 000 for you, $1, 000 more...

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, ''Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?'' So to the back fence they all went.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ''Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ''Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ''$2,700.''
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, ''You more...