Figure Jokes / Recent Jokes

Is There a Santa Claus? A Rebuttal...
Rebuttal: Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish ''study.''
Flying reindeer: As is widely known due to the excellent historical documentary ''Santa Claus is Coming to Town,'' the flying reindeer are not a previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in ''Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer'' (a no-punches- pulled look at life in Santa's village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer-obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.
Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of all, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches (currently more...

I have a million dollar figure...but it's all loose change!

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.
2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.
3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.
4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.
5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.
6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.
7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.
8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.
9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.
10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.
11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.
12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your more...

10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.
9. I took time out to snack a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes.... how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

Approximately ten excuses for not doing homework:

I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
I couldn't figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.
I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee, and then I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

Singapore and Malaysia have a different philosophies of life. This becomes apparent when we compare the two countries' Rules of Simple Living. Singapore: 1 - One Wife
2 - Two Children
3 - Three Bedroom Condo
4 - Four Wheels
5 - Five Figure Salary And indeed, that is why' Singapore is solid'! Malaysia? Well, Malaysia's Rules of Simple Living are the following: 5 - Five Children
4 - Four Wives
3 - Three Figure Salary
2 - Two Wheels
1 - One-Story Link House...