Figure Jokes / Recent Jokes
I figure you have the same chance of winning lottery whether you play or not.
Download a piece of Web authoring software: 20 minutes.
Think about what you want to write on your Web page: 6
weeks.
Download the same piece of Web authoring software,
because they have released 3 new versions since the first
time you downloaded it: 20 minutes.
Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on
your site: 1 minute.
Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them
that you like: 4 days.
Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails,
download it again: 25 minutes.
Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar
buttons to see what they do: 15 minutes.
View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a
few words here and there: 4 hours.
Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software:
1 minute.
Try to horizontally line up two related images: 6
hours.
Remove one of the images: 10 seconds.
Set the text's font color to the same color as more...
The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.
After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree but under four conditions."
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with more...
Review: The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3. 95 The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetryin which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes andbold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably GreenEggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower WithMommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under thepseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freudin a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two youngchildren understand their own frustrated sexuality. The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through thewindow of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, alarge tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, tauntingthe children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexualyearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to themost unlearned reader, the blatant references to theincestuous relationship the two share more...
40-ish means: 48
Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate means: Possessive
Artist means: Unreliable
Average looking means: You figure this one out
Beautiful means: Pathological liar
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin
Educated means: College dropout
Emotionally Secure means: Medicated
Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera means: Snob
Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian
Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street
Free spirit means: Substance abuser
Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun means: Annoying
Gentle means: Comatose
Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her
Humorous means: more...
This is completely true!
Okay, so it was after dinner and my sister, dad and I were at the table just kinda goofing off then my sister asked me this riddle:
There is one man in a jungle, he reaches into his pocket and takes something out, it has a head and a tail but no body, yet he is not afraid. What was the thing he found in his pocket?
I couldn't figure it out so my dad gave me a hint:
you can flip it.
I still could not figure it out.
What do you flip? asked my dad.
Then I was all like:
A coin. A COIN! A COIN! THAT'S IT, A COIN!!!
What can I say? I'm a blonde, but it doesn't count too much because I have dirty blonde hair and blonde and dirty blonde isn't the same thing.
PERHAPS, the drollest figure in the annals of American law was Judge Ben Lindsay. A woman who had worked for him and his wife as a servant for some years, came one day asking that the Judge might recommend her son for a job.
"Why, Maggie," said Judge Lindsay, "I had no idea you were married. You have never mentioned this lad of yours before."
"Well," the woman said, "I'm not married, that's true. But I haven't been entirely neglected."