Figure Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three construction contractors died and went to heaven - a Pakistani, a Chinese, and an Indian. When they got there St. Peter welcomed them warmly and asked if they could do him a favor before they entered heaven.
It seems that the Pearly gates were in need of some repair, and he wanted some estimates.
The Pakistani contractor looked the job over carefully and estimated the job at $900. When asked how he came up with that figure, he said, "$300 materials, $300 labor, and $300 profit."
St. Peter then asked theChines contractor for an estimate. After careful inspection he answered, "$3300 - $1100 materials, $1100 labor, and $1100 profit."
When St. Peter ask the Indian for an estimate, he answered immediately without looking over the job at all - $2900.
Asked how he came up with that figure he answered, "Simple, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, and $900 to get the Pakistanti contractor over there to do the work."

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.



2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.



3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.



4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.



5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?



6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.



7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?



8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?



9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.



10. I have six locks on my door, all in more...

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds40-ish means: 48Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever willAffectionate means: PossessiveArtist means: UnreliableAverage looking means: You figure this one outBeautiful means: Pathological liarCommitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now! Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewiseContagious Smile means: Bring your penicillinEducated means: College dropoutEmotionally Secure means: MedicatedEmployed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at homeEnjoys art and opera means: SnobEnjoys Nature means: Bring your own granolaExotic Beauty means: Would frighten a MartianFinancially Secure means: One paycheck from the streetFree spirit means: Substance abuserFriendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slutFun means: AnnoyingGentle means: ComatoseGood Listener means: Hard to pull a word from herHumorous means: CausticIntuitive means: Your opinion doesn't countIn Transition means: Needs new more...

High School vs. College In high school, you do homework. In college, you study. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.) In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the more...

George Carlin's Reflections on Life: 1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac? 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is! 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. 11. One out of every three more...

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio.

They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling!

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was A actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and more...

These three Texans go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a fighting Texas Aggie more...