File Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics? A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?" 10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off." 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST. SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE. SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS. SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D. C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime more...

WINDERS 98
MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note:
Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = more...

If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.
If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven. .. for five days!"

Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
Your hard drive has been scanned and all pirated software titles have been deleted.

Husband (Returning late from work ): "Good Evening Dear, I'm
now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning?
Husband: Erroneous syntax.. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some
shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just
being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are a useless nut.
Husband: By Default.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use... Try after some time.
Wife: Who was in the car this morning?
Husband: System is unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.
Wife: Are you going to drink some wine?
Husband: File system is more...