Fired Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why I Fired My Secretary I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered andshaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a bigkiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, andthere sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. SoI got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and theywill sing' Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoyingmy coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen, yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going tomiss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smileand a more...

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?A: For throwing out the W's.

Even a two button mouse gives him too many options. Evidence for the theory of a missing link. Failed the Turing test. Fell out of the family tree. Fifty-one cards short of a full deck. Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun. Finds a flat by swapping tires. Finds canonical humor collections amusing. Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging. Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span. Fired her retro-rockets a little late. Flaky. Flat out like a lizard drinking. Flying/landing on one engine. Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun. Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out. Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack. Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them. Four bits shy of a full DEC. Four cents short of a nickel. Full of wisdumb. Full throttle, dry tank. Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.) Gasoline more...

When Bernard got fired from his last job they were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the executive toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company car, and even give back his ulcer!

Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says,' Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies,' If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Third Place:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says' I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle more...

A young man got a job in a local pickle factory. The older fellows he worked with were always teasing him and daring him to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Finally, not being able to take the ribbing and taunts any longer, he said he would do it.
No sooner had he put his penis in the pickle slicer than the foreman caught him and fired him on the spot. He went home and his wife asked why he was home so early. He said, "Well the guys have been making my life miserable by teasing me and daring me to put my penis in the pickle slicer. So today I thought I would shut them up and do it. The foreman caught me and he fired me."
She was very concerned, but he assured her that everything was normal and in workable condition. She said, "Well if you're okay, did anything happen to the pickle slicer?"
"Oh", he answered, "she was fired too."