Forgive Jokes / Recent Jokes
One Sunday, my priest asked if I could cover his Confession shift for him -- he said it was easy, since he had a sin list inside the booth which listed both sins and penance. I agreed and took the booth early on Sunday morning. Soon people showed up. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery." "Adultery, eh?" I said. "You sly devil. That'll be three hail mary's, plus five bucks." "Thank you, Father." Another person came into the booth. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have embezzled money from work." "Embezzlement, eh? Naughty, naughty. That'll be 5 hail mary's, plus fourteen bucks." "Thank you, Father." This was easy, I thought. I can handle this. Another person came into the booth. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have commited the sin of butt-sex." "Butt-sex, huh?" I looked at the list, but I didn't see butt-sex there. I excused myself to see if I could more...
Virgin Mary wanted to visit Hell, so she went to God and asked if she might do so. "Yes," God said. "I have only one warning for you. You must stay away from booze, drugs and men. Will you promise me so?" "Yes," Virgin Mary said. "And remember to call me every night," God said, before Virgin Mary left.
So, in the first night, the telephone rang in Heaven. "Heaven," God answered. "Hello, it
The preacher's Sunday service focused on 'forgiving your enemies'. After a lengthy sermon, he asked his congregation how many of them were willing to forgive their enemies. Only about half of them held up their hands.
Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another half an hour, then repeated his question. This time, he received a response of 90 percent.
Still not satisfied, he lectured for several more minutes and repeated his question again. Growing weary, everyone responded except for one old gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Hudson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the preacher bellowed.
"I don't have any," answered the old man.
"Mr. Hudson, that is most unusual. How old are you?" inquired the preacher.
"I'm 93," the old man replied.
"Mr. Hudson, please come up to the front and explain to the congregation how a man can live to be ninety-three years old and not have an enemy in the world," more...
One day, the lion, the mighty king of the jungle make new law: "Animals not allowed drink alcohol". In the next day lion goes to control how the new law works. There are all O.K., only rabbit is drunken.
What's problem, rabbit, arn't you don't know the new law?
Big grief, big grief, lion, my vife leave me!
O.K., rabbit, that time I forgive you.
In the next day lion again goes control animals and founds rabbit drunken:
What's problem, rabbit, arn't you don't know the new law?
Big joy, big joy, lion, my wife come back to me!
O.K., rabbit, that time I forgive you, but in the last time. If one more time I see you are drunken, I f**k you.
In next day lion again goes control order in the jungle. All O.K., but he never can't find rabbit. At last he find lake and rabbits ears from the water. Lion takes its and take out full drunken rabbit from the water.
Rabbit, do you know, whot I'll do with you?
But who are you?
I am lion, the mighty more...
A man goes to his Catholic priest, to confess his sins.
Man: "Father, I've sinned. I went to my Uncles house,
but he wasn't there, and his wife wasn't there, so I talked to
his daughter for five minutes, then I had sex with her."
Priest: "Well, it's a first offence, so I'll go easy.
A donation of five dollars, and ten Hail Mary's will earn you
forgiveness."
Then next day, the man goes back to his priest.
Man: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
I went back to my Uncles house, but he wasn't there,
and his daughter wasn't there, so I talked to his wife
for five minutes, then I had sex with her.
Priest: "That's twice. You'd better not do it again.
A donation of twenty dollars, and forty Hail Mary's and
I'll forgive you. But I'd better not see you again for a while."
The day after that, the man goes back to his priest.
Priest: "You again? I thought I said I didn't want to see you for more...
Virgin Mary wanted to visit Hell, so she went to God and asked if she might do so. "Yes," God said. "I have only one warning for you. You must stay away from booze, drugs and men. Will you promise me so?" "Yes," Virgin Mary said. "And remember to call me every night," God said, before Virgin Mary left.
So, in the first night, the telephone rang in Heaven. "Heaven," God answered. "Hello, it
He met her on a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, while he was so normal, nobody paid attention to him. At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but due to being polite, she promised. They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please, let me go home.. Suddenly he asked the waiter:
"Would you please give me some salt? I'd like to put it in my coffee."
Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red, but, still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it.
She asked him curiously: why you have this hobby?
He replied: "when I was a little boy, I was living near the sea, I liked playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I more...