Forgive Jokes / Recent Jokes

The girls' prayer:
Our Cash
Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Myer
As it is in David Jones
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
And lead us not into Katies
And deliver us from Sussans
For thine is the Dinnigan,
the Akira and the Armani
For Chanel No.5 and Eternity
Amex.
The boys' prayer:
Our beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed by thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us each day our daily schooners
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen.

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really badly. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him,

"Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"

The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.

The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Marys, Rosaries and everything was going good.

Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.

So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"

To which the more...

One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender’s curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says, “Please don’t get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn’t help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I’ve ever seen. In fact, you’re quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you’re dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it’s not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about? ” The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, “I haven’t the foggiest idea. ” One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with more...

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"...
"What have you done Tommy O'Connor" said the Priest. "I had sex with a girl"
"Who was it Tommy?" "I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" "No Father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No Father, I cannot tell you, please forgive me."
"Well then, was it Sarah Martha O'Keefe?" "No Father, I cannot tell you who it was." "Okay Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be forgiven."
So Tommy walked out to the pew where his friend Joseph was waiting... "What did you get?" asked Joseph. "Well, I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads!"

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"... "What have you done Tommy O'Connor" said the Priest. "I had sex with a girl""Who was it Tommy?" "I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin.""Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" "No Father, please forgive me for my sin.""Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No Father, I cannot tell you, please forgive me.""Well then, was it Sarah Martha O'Keefe?" "No Father, I cannot tell you who it was." "Okay Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be forgiven."So Tommy walked out to the pew where his friend Joseph was waiting... "What did you get?" asked Joseph. "Well, I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads!"

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"
"I had sex with a girl."
"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."
"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."
"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. "What did ya get?" asked Joseph.
"Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."