Fortune Jokes / Recent Jokes
Not really a joke but I just got a fortune cookie
"You will win the respect of your pears".
Can you believe there are people who entrust their fate to a fortune cookie? Me, I take charge of my fate - I open cookie after cookie till I find a fortune I like.
One day there was a woman who was about to have babies. She went to a fortune teller and the fortune teller said she would have twins - and they would be demons. The news somehow got on TV, so there were FBI agents and cops in the hospital room where the woman was going to give birth. They had guns ready to shoot the babies when they came out. One of the babies stuck his head out and saw what was going on. So he stuck his head back in and told his brother. After hearing what was going to happen the second brother said, "Let's go out the back way."
An ant and an elephant story "One day there was an ant and an elephant walking down a street.
The ant fell into a manhole so he looked up at the elephant and said "hey help me out", so the elephant lowered his dick and let the ant crawl out of the hole.
As they continued on with thier walk the elephant fell into a hole, he called out "hey ant help me out of this hole". The ant said okay, I'll more...
If you think you have problems, consider the problems of Plutonius Maximus
Translation from Latin 21 Scroll
Dear Cassias
Are you working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way round. Having been working happily downwards for ever, now we have to start thinking upwards.. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left us to sort it out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He could see why Brutus turned nasty. He called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downward using minus BC won't work, and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
Surely we won't have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Machard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose. The money more...
Which burgers can tell your fortune? Medium burgers!
A young woman is asked out on a date, and accepts. The guy picks her up, and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a romantic interlude, the boy asks, "What do you want to do now?" "I wanna get weighed," she says. "Well, OK", he thinks. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh her. They play a few more games and stop for food. "What do you want to do now?" he asks again. "I wanna get weighed," she replies. "Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it," thinks the boy. Again they get her weight and fortune. After a few more games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats, "What do you want to do now?" "I wanna get weighed," she says. Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight and fortune, and the boy drives her home. As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd more...
If you think you have problems, consider the problems of Plutonius Maximus
Translation from Latin 21 Scroll
Dear Cassias
Are you working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way round. Having been working happily downwards for ever, now we have to start thinking upwards.. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left us to sort it out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He could see why Brutus turned nasty. He called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downward using minus BC won't work, and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
Surely we won't have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Machard will make yet another more...
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the Lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the Lawyer.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...'"