Forty Jokes / Recent Jokes

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field, with the farmer, all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back more...

A cute, young blonde is driving through the country when her car breaks down. The only house within miles is a big, old farmhouse. She goes to the door and asks the farmer if she can use the phone. The auto club tells her that they can't come out to fix her car until the next day. She tells the farmer this, and he agrees to let her stay the night as long as she keeps away from his sons, Billy and Zeb, who are innocent in the ways of the world.
Later that night, she's getting all hot and bothered and she decides to visit the two strapping teenage farm boys down the hall. She sneaks into their room and offers to teach them about the facts of life.
"Huh?" is their response.
"Don't worry," she says, "you'll like this. But I'm not getting pregnant,
so I'll put these condoms on you."
She puts condoms on the two boys and says, "There, now I won't get pregnant."
They have a wild night. The next day, the auto club fixes her car more...

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said,' Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.'

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says,' Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!'

The woman says,' Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!'

Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years? A: Somebody dropped a shekel.

okay so me joey and nick are drivin down the road and we get pulled over by a chick oficer and she says if u can show me forty inches of dick ill let u go so i pull mine out 20inches joey pulls his out 39inches and then nick pulls his out we hit forty exactly then she lets us go so were driven away and i say im glad mine is 20in joey says hes glad his is 39in and nick says man u guys are lucky i was hard

One day, one Mat Salleh from USA arrived in Subang Airport. After he checked out from the Custom, he felt that he wanted to go to the toilet, so he looked for a toilet. When he found the toilet, there was an old lady sitting in front of the toilet. When he was about to enter the toilet, the old lady stopped him and said forty cents in Cantonese (Say Kok), the Mat Salleh just wonder why in Malaysia, they have to "see the cock" (forty cents in Cantonese) before entering the toilet. So he said "No", but the old lady insisted. Since he got no choice, he took out his cock and showed to her. The old lady said "no, no, no, Duit, Duit" (money in Malay) but the Mat Salleh misunderstood again because he thought she said "DO IT, DO IT." So, he asked "NOW, HERE?" The old lady just reply "YES, YES" because she does not understand English. The Mat Salleh thought she agreed to have sex with him, so he strip up the old lady and make love to more...

Editor's note: I've gotten more than one 1999 Darwin Awards posting this year (that don't match), but I figure the gene pool is a big place...

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The true high point of the year has arrived. Yes, it is the 1999 Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.

GRAVITY KILLS

A 22-year-old Reston, Va., man was found dead after he tried to use luggage straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County, Va., police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia more...