Fred Jokes / Recent Jokes

Who was that on the phone, Fred? Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down!

Fred and his family, including his mother-in-law, were vacationing in the Middle East. While they were visiting Jerusalem, Fred's mother-in-law died.
With her death certificate in hand, Fred went to the American Consulate Office to arrange to have her body sent back to the States for proper burial.
After hearing of the mother-in-law's death, the Consul told Fred that it would be extremely expensive to have the body returned to the States for burial. The Consul advised him that it could cost as much as $5000.
Continuing, the Consul said, "In most cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. The cost for that would be approximately $200."
Fred thought about it for a short time and replied, "It doesn't matter what the cost will be to send the body back, that's definitely what I want to do."
"You must have loved your mother-in-law very deeply considering the difference in price," said the more...

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to more...

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and more...

Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
A: He was declared to be in Seine.
Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France." "Fred," said his father, "why do you want Calais to be the capital of France?" "Because that`s what I wrote in my geography test!"
What is the Guillotine?
A French chopping centre.
Which ghost was president of France?
Charles de Ghoul.
First witch: I`m going to France tomorrow.
Second witch: Are you going by broom?
First witch: No, by hoovercraft.

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's going to divorce his wife.
"Good grief," says Jim, "you and Sue are the happiest couple I know! Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"
"Well," replies Fred, "truth be known, I'm just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."
Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"
Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"

fred and wilma flinstone was in bed wen pebbles there son came in and said daddy what is that fred said it is a rock and then he goes mommy what is that she said it was a rock grinder so pebbles goes so daddy puts his rock in mommys rock grinder and here comes pebbles