Free Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

In prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even. At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. In prison, all your medical care is free. At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you more...

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.
Be nice to more...

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.11. Dinner Special - Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2.0012. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.15. For sale. Three more...

1. Free drinks.
2. Free dinners.
3. Free movies (you get the point).
4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
7. Speeding ticket? What's that?
8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
10. If you have sex with someone and don't call him the next day, you're not the devil.
11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud.
13. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
14. You can sleep your way to the top.
15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
17. It's possible to live your whole more...

Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is more...

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE + DONUTS FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.