French Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly French playboy entered the door of his favorite sporting house and asked the Madam if he might have an audience with Renee.
"Alas, monsieur," replied the Madam, "Renee is visiting her dear 1 Mother in Provence. Would you care to see Musette?"
The old gentleman smiled. "No, thank you, chere madame, I will return another day. When do you expect Renee to be back?"
"Saturday next," said the Madam. "Your devotion is to be admired. But can you not find diversion in the company of Clothilde? Or Gaby? Or the lively Yvette?"
To each suggestion, the old man shook his head. Curious, the Madam asked, "Renee is, of course, charming, but what does she possess that the other girls do not?"
"Patience, chere madame," he replied, "patience."

Three guys, one Chinese, one French, and one Mexican wanted to watch the Olympics but didn't have any money to buy tickets. The Chinese guy suddenly got an idea and went home to fetch his bicycle. He rode up to the security guard at the gate and yells, "China, bicycling! Hurry, let me in, I'm late!"

The guard, not wanting to jeopardize his job, lets the Chinese guy through. Seeing that this idea worked, the French guy runs home and grabs a long pole and runs back to the security guard and yells, "France, pole vaulting! Let me in, I'm late!"

The security guard lets the French guy through. Seeing how great their ideas were, the Mexican runs home and grabs a chain link fence, wraps the fence around his body and hops up to the security guard and yells, "Mexico, fencing!"

There are 2 french frys in a deep frier and one of them says.
’God it’s hot in here! ’
The other french fry then says ’Argghhh! a talking french fry’ and flys off.

"Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked young Johnny. "I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled. "You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?" "In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."

Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post? A: A goal post that can't march. Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost? A: A goalpost that can't march. Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes. Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other? A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section? A: Have them miss every other note. Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a' 57 Chevy? A: You can tune a' 57 Chevy. Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other? A: more...

Tina and Kelly were sitting home on a Saturday evening.
Tina is known for her wit in cracking jokes.
She tells Kelly that she looked liked a french poodle.
Kelly "replies" you have the audacity to say I look like a french poodle when you look like over processed meat.

More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship - yet.
Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to
admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
Hasn't quoted Shakespeare - yet.
Looks better in sleepwear.
Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
Isn't French with an English accent.
Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying
to convince them to behave better.
To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving more...