French Jokes / Recent Jokes
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
Heaven is where the police are British, the mechanics German, the cooks are French, the lovers Italian, and all is organize by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the mechanics are French, the cooks are British, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians!
Advice on baby care - your questions answered.
(From a Nutworks post by Jon Partington)
QUESTION. I am the father of a two-month old baby and he is fascinated by a Helium balloon that we have bought him. It is called Mr Smiley and has a smiling face on one side, with the words 'Don't worry'. He keeps playing with the thing, tugging on the string and letting the balloon rise again. However what is worrying me is that he seems more interested in Mr Smiley than he is in me: also he seems to resemble Mr Smiley very strongly, in that he is fat, full of wind, and smiles a lot in an enigmatic way. Is it possible that my wife has committed adultery with Mr Smiley, & the baby is not my son at all?
ANSWER. This is highly improbable. The baby probably likes Mr Smiley because he comes when the baby pulls him. You could try bobbing up and down above the cot, smiling vacuously. Pretend you are a politician running for office, Maybe.
QUESTION. My baby is only one month old and can more...
An American, French, and Polock decide to all go elk hunting together. They all decide it’s better to go out separately. So the first day the American goes out and comes back with a moderately big elk.
The other two want to know how he scored it, so the American says, “I see the tracks, I follow the tracks, Bang I shoot and elk. ”
So the next day the French man goes out and comes back with an even bigger elk than the American. Impressed the other two ask him how he got it.
So the French guy, in a thick accent, says, “I see the tracks, I follow the tracks, Bang I shoot and elk. ”
So the next day the Polock goes out and not long after he comes back bleeding and scratched up.
So the other two ask, “What the hell happened to you!?! ”
The Polock replies, “I see the tracks, I follow the tracks, Bang I get hit by a train. ”
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one more...
Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years.
After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgundy, central Europe and India thus serrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.
Louise XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his goverment with accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder. Orthodox priests became government antennae.
The enlightenment more...
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North more...