Fresh Jokes / Recent Jokes

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Change $ 20. 00
Coffee 1. 00
Total $ 21. 00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50. 00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it
back to be recycled, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and more...

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the. 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and more...

Put THIS in your toaster...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday. A severe yeast infection is blamed for shortening his life. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who' never knew how much he was kneaded.'

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes, and loafing around. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife, a real tart. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral will be tomorrow, at 350 for about 20 minutes.

BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE' GREATEST HITS'

(or,' Memorable Moments in Talk-Line History;' or,' Out of the Mouths of.... Turkey Trauma Victims')

Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck ('Will it cook faster if I drive faster?'), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are real incidents, true stories -- from the front lines!

* Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity more...

A business man from France checks into a High class hotel. He checks into his room and ready to nap when he heard a nock on the door.
(knock knock)
Man: "Who iz it!"
Maid: "The maid sir. would you care for fresh sheets on your bed."
Man: "Go away!! I don't carez for any fresh shit on my bed."
Confused, the maid leaves the sheets outside his door. Later that evening the French man decides to go down to the hotel restraunt and have dinner.
Before ordering the waiter asks: "Sir, can I interest you in a glass of wine and a clean fork on your table."
Man: "Excuzzze me! But I don't care to have a clean fuck on the table. I shall dine elseware."
So he exits the restraunt, and proceeds to dine across the street. While walking. A bum approaches and ask him for a dollar. The french man pulls out a dollar. Thinking this is an American tradition in this country.
The bum replys: "Thank you more...

A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of
oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does.

"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.

"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel in the corner. "Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"

You can enjoy a cucumber all night long.
You don't have to drink wine and dine with a cucumber before getting to the fun stuff.
Your cucumber will always wait patiently for you in the car while you go shopping.
When your cucumber goes soft you toss it.
Cucumbers can't tell time, so they don't know when you're late.
A cucumber doesn't get jealous when you grab another cucumber (or even a carrot!)
When you go to the grocery store, you can always pick up a cucumber.
A cucumber won't get upset if you come home with another cucumber on your breath (or a fresh leafy vegetable in your pocket).
If you eat a cucumber right, you always have a mouthful.
You can have more than one cucumber a night and not feel guilty (they're low in calories)
A cucumber always goes down easy.
You can share a cucumber with friends.
You always know when you're the first one to eat a cucumber.
A cucumber is always hard.
You can have a cucumber in public
A more...