Frozen Jokes / Recent Jokes

Quotes about computers and software and other things
Collected by Steen Hansen Hviid, Columbus, Ohio, USA
"Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things,
because that would also stop them from doing clever things."
-Doug Gwyn
"Walking on water and developing software from a specification
are easy if both are frozen."
- Edward V. Berard, "Life-Cycle Approaches"
True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches.
Once you've turned the light on everyone can see...
- unknown
"An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot"
- Rich Julius
"The C Programming Language - A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would
turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
I haven't lost my mind, I have it backed up on tape more...

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Andrew doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen chicken and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those chickens are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the chicken, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I don't know what to do. more...

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, Although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back... " "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. "

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence,

Because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppy face? " She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so more...

A newlywed blonde phones her mother and sobs, "Stan doesn't appreciate the things I do for him."
"Now, now, dear," her mother replies, in an attempt to comfort her. "I'm sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young bride wails, "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he screamed at me because of the price."
"Well, that is being a little cheap," the mother agrees. "Those turkey rolls don't cost more than a few of dollars."
"It wasn't the cost of the turkey roll he was upset about, mother," says the blonde, "it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket?" What are you talking about?" asks the confused mother. "Why did you need an airplane ticket?"
"Well, mother," the blonde explains, "when I went to prepare the turkey roll, I checked the directions on the back. It said, 'Prepare from a frozen state', so I flew to more...

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

By Tony Kornheiser, The Washington Post
Sunday, July 22, 2001
Just the other morning I was watching "The Today Show" when that hot tomato Katie Couric said something like, "Coming up: We're going to focus on the ongoing stem cell debate."
The ongoing stem cell debate?
Omigod, which side was I on, stems or cells?
Tragically, I not only didn't know a stem cell debate was raging all over America - I didn't even know what a "stem cell" was. Stems and seeds, yes. That rang a bell. ("Oh, we're down to stems and seeds again. Bummer.") But for stem cell, I was drawing a blank (see above).
So I opened the newspaper and began reading about stem cells. And there was all this stuff about "surplus embryos" and "frozen embryos."
And I said: Yikes! Check, please.
That's what Americans are talking about this summer, frozen embryos? Excuse me, what happened to frozen margaritas?
It's not like I don't think more...