Function Jokes / Recent Jokes

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: 1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance 2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated 3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French 4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. 5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. more...

I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently. When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.

I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the line, of course. And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the caressing voice always claims.

I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already more...

The Ten Commandments for C Programmers
1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.

2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.

3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.

4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program.

5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest "foo`` someone someday shall type "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious``.

6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, more...

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you more...

The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says,' Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.'

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife.' Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate sex! You'll love it!'

Doris thinks for a minute and says,' I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on more...

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.
In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says,
"Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife:
"Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex... you'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says,
"I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want more...

You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Are you a differentiable function? Because I'd like to be tangent to your curves!
You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
My love for you is a monotonic increasing function of time.
Wanna come back to my room and see my copy of Euclid's "Elements"?
I am equivalent to the Empty Set when you are not with me.