Funeral Jokes / Recent Jokes

A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read: SINCEREST SYMPATHIES. The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to think of the flowers that should have gone to the restaurant man. He had sent to the funeral a clover design of red roses across which was a bright green ribbon bearing the inscription: =20 BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, “I’m going to give you each $30, 000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me. ”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said “I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10, 000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20, 000 in the coffin. ”
The physician then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I more...

A woman and her friend are sitting together having lunch after one of the women's husband's funeral service. The friend asks the woman if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her. "Well, he had $10, 000 in life insurance, but it is all gone." "All gone?", the friend asks, shocked. "Yes", said the widow." I don't understand", says the friend. "How did you already go through $10, 000?" "Well, it is really not as bad as you think." says the widow." I had to pay $5500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $3000 was for the memorial stone." Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says "That must have been a huge stone for $3000!"The widow answers: "Yeah, it was 3 carats!"

Sometime after George died, his widow, Trish, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"George thought of everything," she told a group of her friends. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside, handed me three envelopes, and said, 'Darling, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So, I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know George is resting very comfortably," she said.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged a very dignified funeral for George and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending," she more...

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for herhusbands funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husbandto be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldnt it just be easier to bury him in the black suitthat hes wearing?"But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blankcheck to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffinand he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director howmuch she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didnt cost anything. The funniest thinghappened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this onewearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, andasked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried ina black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched theheads."

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third more...

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30, 000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10, 000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20, 000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as more...