Funeral Jokes / Recent Jokes
A city gent comes out of a restaurant and sees a funeral procession. It was a strange one. There were two hearses, behind which a man walked with a black dog on a lead followed by about a dozen men in single file.
Curiosity got the better of our city gent who went up to the man with the dog and said: "I have never seen a funeral procession like this - what really happened?"
The man replied: "The front hearse contains my wife who was killed by this dog. My mother in law is in the second hearse. She went to save my wife but the dog killed her also."
The city gent offered his condolences and walked away but having remembered something, he ran back to the man, tapped him on the shoulder and asked: "Can I borrow your dog please?"
"Join the queue" said the man!
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A Black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to more...
The Pillsbury Doughboy, veteran spokesman for Pillsbury, died recently of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to his belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. In attendance were many celebrities, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Cap'n Crunch.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, although his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was never considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 more...
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. -I know,- he says, they say' you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new more...
Dear Abby has received lots of letters about funny names. Here are just a few sent to her!
My father was born in Menomonie, Wis., and later taught there. He used to tell me about a law firm there called Ketchum and Cheatum. Also, he had a high school classmate named Iva Liver. - ANN, COLUMBUS, OHIO
Years ago, I interviewed an attorney who was supposed to handle an important matter for me. His name: Rex R. Case. (Needless to say, I did not hire him!) - LINDA, N.J.
I read the front section of the paper, where I encountered the following. It's titled, "Circumcision of African men can cut HIV risk by half." The physician quoted from the World Health Organization is Dr. Kevin De Cock. - BONNIE IN WABASH, IND.
For many years the Internal Revenue supervisor in Oklahoma City was "I.M. Filer." - ANONYMOUS IN OKLAHOMA
My sister lives in Williamsville, N.Y., where there is a funeral home that seems nothing out of the ordinary, except for the name: Amigone more...
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger more...
You have got more bumper stickers than children.
our wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.