Funeral Jokes / Recent Jokes

The businessman was talking to his friend on the train home after a hard day.

'What a day I've had,' he said.

'One of the office boys asked for the afternoon off to go to his grandmother's funeral. I thought I was on to him, and went along, too.'

'Good idea,' said his friend.' How was the match?'

'That's where I lost out. It was his grandmother's funeral!'

Early one morning, John, who works at the local funeral parlour, woke his wife, complaining of severe abdominal pains.
They rushed to the emergency room, at the local hospital, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.
John told his wife not to call in sick for him until they knew what was wrong.
When the results came back, the nurse informed them that, true to their suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
John's wife turned to John and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral parlour now?"
With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his closest advisors: his doctor, his priest and his lawyer. "I know," he says, "They say' you can't take it with you. But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing $100, 000 and I would be grateful if at my funeral, you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something." They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, a the hospital we are desperate because of the cut backs in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, more...

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife
began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so more...

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied." What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynecologist."

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off. "Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says. "Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."

"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."

"No, we came to make sure he was dead."