Funeral Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."

A man was leaving a Stop n' Go with his morning coffee and newspaper when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A
long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet
back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a
leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said: "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but
I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog bit her and she died."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned and bit her and she died."
A poignant and more...

Kanye West is gonna show up to Patrick Swayze's funeral, take the microphone, and say "I'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute. But Michael Jackson had the best death of the year."
By JLH

Here's Martha Stewart's Etiquette Guide for Rednecks! 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. * **************************DINING OUT1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. * *********************ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are. * **********************PERSONAL HYGIENE1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should more...

A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asked, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing? ” “No, ” she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue suit. “It must be blue. ” When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost. He said, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her, so I switched the heads. ”

A Russian 28 year old man dies from overdose of Viagra after betting he could satisfy two women for over 12 hours. The funeral will be an open casket, until funeral directors figure out on how to close it.

I received this one from a girlfriend whose husband works at a mortuary.
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements
for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants
her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in,
this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the
same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine more...