Funny Jokes / Recent Jokes

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four-year-old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r- a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says,' 'Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says,' 'I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!"
The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?"

The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"

On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read:
"You will gain admiration from your pears."
Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don't grow or eat them, anyway.

One Sunday morning after church, little Maury's family invited the priest to breakfast at their home. His mother asked little Maury what he would like for his breakfast and he replied, "I want a lightbulb."
Everyone laughed.
The priest was warmly touched by Maury's funny remark.
"Very funny little Maury," said Mom. "Now tell me what you want to eat."
"I wanna lightbulb," said little Maury.
Mom felt a little irritated with Maury behaving this way in front of their guest. She said sternly, "Enough of that, now what do you want to eat?"
"I wanna lightbulb, Mommy," little Maury said once more.
Mom had enough and said, "Now you can go to your room!"
The good priest felt he should intervene. "Now little Maury, tell us why you want a lightbulb for breakfast."
Maury replied, "Well, last night when I went to bed I heard Daddy say to Mommy, 'Honey, turn out the light and I'll more...

LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:
According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3, 000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.
Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.
Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary.
Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.
A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.

>ADAM & EVE
>
>One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't
>find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were
>earlier. Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."
>God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve
>now?"
>Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."
>"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."