Funny Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here are more funny thoughts from www.crazythoughts.com.
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why can't a baby cry while it's inside its mother?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you were a genie more...

It was the first day of school and this girl's teacher asked her what her name was. She said "Texas." The teacher said, "Haha, no really, what's your name?" and the girl said, "Texas," so the teacher said, "Go to the principal's office."
The principal said, "What's your name?" She replied, "Texas." He said, "Funny, what's your name?" and she said, "Texas," so he sent her home.
As Texas was walking home, a guy stopped her and said, "What's your name?" She said, "Texas." He said, "That's funny. No, really, what's your name?" She said, "Texas." He said, "I will stab you with my mother's butcher knife if you don't tell me what your real name is," and she said, "IT'S TEXAS!" so he stabbed her. When he got home, his mother asked, "Where's my butcher knife?" and he sang "DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!"

These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Snow blower for sale... only used on snowy days.
2 Wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 Mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled. $700
Valentines Day Sale: Ty-D-Bol Blue Toss-Ins
Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15
Do something special for your Valentine - Have your septic tank pumped.
Full sized mattress. 20 Yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Funny Bumper Stickers:
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Montana - At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy more...

Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push."
Sign at entrance of the IRS: "Watch your step."
Sign at the exit of the IRS: "Watch your mouth."
Sign in a bookstore: "We treat you write."
Sign on a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
Sign on a scientist's door: "Gone fission."
Sign in a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

Funny joke in the geography section, talk about a real idiot!