Gambling Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES!
I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

As an incentive to vote, the state of Arizona plans to offer $1 million to a lucky voter in a lottery drawn out of cast ballots. In addition, the voting booth will include a funhouse mirror and the candidates will be chosen in a "whack-a-mole" style arcade game.


The lottery and games are intended to attract the sought after, "almost retarded" demographic to the polling stations.

...the National Marine Fisheries Service has released a wide-ranging plan to help the struggling native Chinook salmon population by allowing the salmon to own & operate their own casino. Games will include blackjack, poker, and go-fish.

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For more...

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and more...

Johny's mother went into talk to his teacher before his first day of preschool. She said, "Johny has a gambling problem so don't gamble with him ok?" The teacher agrees,
On the first day after preschool Johny goes to his teacher and says I bet you fifty dollars that you have brown pubic hair. The teacher, being poor and wanting to teach him a leason says, "Alright I'll take that bet," and so she takes him into her office lifts up her skirt and shows him that she has black pubic hair.
Later that night she calls the family and gets Johny's dad. She says I think I cured your son's gambling problem. The father says "How?"
The teacher tells him what happens and the father screams, "THAT LITTLE SHIT BET ME 100 DOLLARS THAT HE COULD GET YOU TO LIFT UP YOUR SKIRT THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL."

Speaking of Las Vegas another friend says he can always hide his gambling winnings from his wife. He stuffs the money into her cook books.