Gambling Jokes / Recent Jokes
A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100, 000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home - arriving back 3 a. m.
He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole.
He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.
Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100, 000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor.
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my more...
No one can tell me the Internet's not educational. So far, I've learned that Spanish is not the official language of Brazil and now, thanks to 57 kind souls, I know there are only 36 numbers on a roulette wheel. I thought I'd better brush-up on gambling:
The closest mecca of chance to me is Atlantic City. People used to go there to get tanned - now they go to get faded.
A compulsive gambler I know took a 9 to 5 job in Atlantic City. He didn't like the work so much, but the odds were pretty good.
A manhole cover blew off and rose into the air. As it was still airborne, a fellow yells, "Two to one it's heads".
If you've never been to Atlantic City, you can gamble just about anywhere in the city. One young lady went to a laundromat and lost all her clothes.
But gambling is not confined to a particular city - it's all over. I used to work with a fellow who only made mental bets. He ended up losing his mind.
At Boulder Dam, near Las Vegas, they recently more...
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge. After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling." "Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not." Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?" The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
A New York woman has been convicted of embezzling $2.3 million to feed her $6,000 a day lottery addiction.
As punishment she'll be forced to stand in line for three years behind the obese and elderly as they slowly unfold crinkled dollar bills and pick lotto numbers.
Each of us generates about 3.5 pounds of rubbish a day, most of it paper.
Women manage the money and pay the bills in 75% of all Americans households.
A rainbow can be seen only in the morning or late afternoon. It can occur only when the sun is 40 degrees or less above the horizon.
It has NEVER rained in Calama, a town in the Atacama Desert of Chile.
It costs more to buy a new car today in the United States than it cost Christopher Columbus to equip and undertake three voyages to and from the New World.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
An eighteenth-century German named Matthew Birchinger, known as "the little man of Nuremberg," played four musical instruments including the bagpipes, was an expert calligrapher, and was the most famous stage magician of his day. He performed tricks with the cup and balls that have never been explained. Yet Birchinger had no hands, legs, or thighs, more...
An old preacher was just getting out of church and was driving home through his neighborhood. As he was turning the corner of one of the major streets in his neighborhood, he noticed 3 boys playing dice on the sidewalk, and betting money along with it. The old preacher thinks to himself how awful the situation is, that these young children are already heading down the life of sin and he should do something to stop it.
The old preacher pulls over and gets out on the opposite side of the street and starts walking over to the boys. He calls out to the oldest looking on and asked the boy to "come here" so that as he's walking towards the boys, the oldest boy would be walking toward him. When the boy reached him, the old preacher asked him what he was doing.
"Gambling, sir" retorted the boy
"Gambling?! How old are you son?" asked the preacher.
"I'm 14"
"14?! Well if you turn that around, you'll be 41. You'll have reached the more...
A New York deli worker hit the $1 million lottery... again. After she won the first million she kept her deli job and said she intends to keep working.
Her name was released as Valerie Wilson, but to New Yorkers she's known by the more affectionate name of, "Lucky Fucking Bitch."
On a side note, deli worker applications have tripled.