Gambling Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once there was a church and a fire breathing, Hell and damnation Preacher giving a sermon against all the evils of life. He said: "Down with gambling. Let us all stop gambling."
"AMEN, PREACHER, AMEN!" shouted a little ole lady down on the front row.
The Preacher shouted: "DOWN WITH DRINKING OF ALCOHOL!"
"AMEN, PREACHER, AMEN!" again shouted the little ole lady down in the front row.
In fact, every time the Preacher preached against the evil vices of man, like carousing, staying out late, uncleanliness, or swearing she would shout the same thing or a variation there of.
Now all at once the Preacher raised his voice even higher and shouted. "DOWN WITH TOBACCO AND SNUFF AND ALL THOSE DEVIL'S DEVISES TO RUIN THE HEALTH OF GOD'S CHILDREN!"
The little lady jumped up and stomped out of the church, and she could be heard saying: "Now he has gone too far and got into something that is none of His business. I just more...

There's the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend, "I bet you wouldn't marry me." The story goes that she not only called his bet but she raised him five!

Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love, Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P. S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman. When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a "hand pay." When your kid says math "came easy" today, you ask if it was a 4, 6, 8 or 10. You go into a shoe store and ask if they have 4, 6, or 8 deck. When your English professor says the author made his point; you ask if he pressed or not. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to "Come out", and you ask for a 2-way C & E. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device. When the bartender asks if you want a "double", you say not against an ace. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the "don't."

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is more...

During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks".

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing.

"Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender?

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you more...

Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says: You see Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You may choose "heaven" or "hell".

Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling.

So Bill says: I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell! Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire.

So Bill says: hey, what the hell is this, I saw all the gambling, the women, and sex?

The devil says:' That was just a demo version."