Garbage Jokes / Recent Jokes

Secret tips for making a marriage last... My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last... 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, goodfood and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY. 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! "So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake." 8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't more...

Alice's PDP-10
With thanks (and apologies) to Chris Stacy, Alan Wechsler, Noel Chiappa, Larry Allen, and of course Arlo Guthrie, and particularly to Ann Marie Finn who is a kind soul and not at all like the person portrayed herein.-sra 3 May 85
This song is called "Alice's PDP-10". But Alice doesn't own a PDP-10, in fact Alice isn't even in the song. It's just the name of the song. That's why I called this song "Alice's PDP-10".
You see, it all started about two incompatible monitor versions ago, about two months ago on a Tuesday, when my friend and I SUPDUP'd over to MIT-OZ to pick up some hackers to go out for a Chinese dinner. But AI hackers don't live on MIT-OZ, they live on various assorted lispms and such, and seeing as and how they never log in except via the file server, they hadn't gotten around to doing filesystem garbage collection for a long time.
We got over there, saw 600 pages free, 10000 pages in use on a 5 pack PS:, and decided it more...

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in alight bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change alight bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYSbefore they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out theywouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact thatthey've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the pastSEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair thatthey dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change theSTUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! ANDUNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPERTHE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUTTHE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALLSUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THEHOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm more...

You have to read the whole thing: The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life. 1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. 2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. 3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has more...

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN more...

Submitted by Jim Porter

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck? Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn? t know how? Well, now you can!

Just follow these instructions. Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That? s all you will need to start!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.

1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2, 000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex as you read this. FIRST, untie and remove fancy shoes. Peel off socks. DO THIS NOW! Be more...

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it. ”
The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic. ” St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship? ”
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. “1, 228, ” he answered.
“That’s right! You may enter. ”
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. “Name them. ”