Garden Jokes / Recent Jokes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous...."

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend more...

On the third day I was dust, ordinary common dust like you see on a country road in a dry spell, nothing expected of me, me expecting nothing neither.
On the sixth day he comes along and blows. "In my own image too", he says, like he was doing me a favor.
Sometimes I think if he'd waited a million years by then I'd been tired maybe being dust but after only two, three days, what can you expect? I wasn't used to being dust and he goes and makes me into Man.
He could see right away from the expression on my face I didn't like it so he's going to butter me up. He puts me in this garden only I don't butter.
He brings me all the animals I should give them names What do I know of names? "Call it something," he says, "anything you want," so I make names up lion, tiger, elephant, giraffe - crazy but that's what he wants.
I'm naming animals since 5 AM, in the evening I'm tired I go to bed early, in the morning I wake up, there she is sitting by more...

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"

While entertaining himself in Shanglin Garden, Emperor Wu Di of the Han Dynasty pointed at a tree and asked Dongfang Shuo, "What is that called?" "It's called Goodness." replied Dongfang Shuo carelessly. Wu Di had it written down. Several years later, playing in the garden again, Wu Di saw the tree and turned to Dongfang Shuo to ask its name. "it's named Jusuo (Overlooking all)." said Dongfang Shuo again carelessly. Wu Di's expression changed, "You have been cheating me over the years. How can the same tree have different names?" Dongfang Shuo defended himself with fervor and assurance "A horse is called horse only when it grows up; it is a foal when young; chicken is the name for a chick when it becomes older; and a cow is called a calf when born. So it is with human beings: They are called infants when born and old men when aged. The tree was Goodness several years ago and is now Overlooking-All. All the objects in the universe change. more...

Bandara, a very hard working man, came home early one day - to find his wife Brenda was attending to the garden.
Thought he should surprise her, came up very quitely pinched her bottom, and proceeded to the house, saying "Well give me 10 minutes to have a shower". and did not bother even to look back.
Brenda greeted the husband at the door???
"Oh my god, if you are here, who is that in the garden?"
"Did you not recognise, it's my mother, she is wearing one of my lungi's"
10 minutes later the mother in law comes into the house and announces - "TIME IS UP Bandara"

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc.
The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area.
One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out.
But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, more...