Gas Jokes / Recent Jokes

In the nazi concentration camps every cell had eleven holes from where poison gas seeped in to kill the occupant. The new govenor of the camp was drwn to this phenomena. He asked his new aide "why is there 11 holes in every cell" to which the aide replied"when the gas seeps in the prisoners jam thier fingers into the holes to stop the gas, thus the eleventh hole ".

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.

"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything..."

While driving cross-country a man ran out of gas. Walked for a few miles in the rain and came to a house. After banging on the door for 10 minutes he decided to leave, but saw something in the window. There stood a nude couple, the woman squeezing her tits and the man beating his dick with an umbrella.
After watching for a while, the guy wrote them off as loonies and went in the direction of the next house. The neighbors were friendly and helped out in what ever way they could, the guy couldn't resist describing what he saw in the first house.
The woman laughed and said, "Oh, they carry on that conversation all the time."
"What do you mean?" asked the puzzled traveler.
"Well you see, they're a deaf couple. She was asking her husband to go milk the cow and he was saying, "F*ck you bitch, it's raining!"

These are genuine extracts from letters and complaints received by the the Northern Gas Board. Complaints regarding placing of appliances and meters etc.
Can you move the meter so it won't cause an obstruction in my passage.
The electric man did it through the floorboards, but your man put it in my front passage where everyone could see it.
I don't like it as much in my kitchen as I did in the shop window.
Since you put a new pipe from the mains to our house, my husband and I dread going to bed because of slight discharge, we think there is a leak just after it enters.
I told my husband it was safe to leave it in all night, but he won't, if he comes to the showroom can the lady satisfy him behind the counter and talk him out of it.
I was told mine was no good but if it is altered I can get the North Sea in.
I have heard that there are two ways you can have it, and it worked out cheaper the more you got if you have it the other way.
I'm not more...

What a world? (country NSW)... On Thursday, 24 January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March, 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0. 00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0. 00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there as usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said more...

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
---
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
---
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 5 channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
---
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box. Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other more...

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it,' Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,' Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The other alien shouted to his comrade' No, you mustn't anger him...!', but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said,' What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so more...