Gas Jokes / Recent Jokes
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself. She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is doing. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying... "A little more to the left...a little more to the right"
I hooked up the gas pedal in my car to the brake lights. I floor it, the people behind me stop, and I'm gone
A WOMAN'S SCHEDULE1. Get up. 2. Pee. 3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea. 4. Pee. 5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the middle. 6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there. 7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands. 8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee. 9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee. 10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex and pee. 11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A. M. waking husband but instead of giving him head, go and pee.
Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars: 1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this. 4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car' 95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats. 5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW! 6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads. 7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available more...
A man is driving down the road for a long period of time. During his travel, he sees a priest with a gas can hitch hiking, so he gladly picks him up he says,"Normally father, i dont pick up hitchhikers. You seem like a man of dignity so i thought id make an exception. In fact i hate hitch hikers. The priest nods his head and they drive onAlong the way, The driver spots another man hitch hiking. "that dirty sonof %$#%#% ill fix him". He then swirves the car and tries to make the hitand run like an accident. Dang! i missed. The priests yells,"Dont worryi got him with the gas can!"
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent".
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly."
"Good", the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing".
If you happen to end up in a Halloween or horror movie, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep yourself healthy, happy and safe (in other words, not dead).
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone. Hit the first person that says, "Let's split up."
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. It's just not that more...