Gas Jokes / Recent Jokes
10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U. S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.
3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the more...
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I shave my legs
I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
I don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon
I can balance the checkbook
I can pump my own gas
I can talk to my friends about the size of my bottom
My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes a long time.
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong
I don't drive in circles at any cost, and I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost
I Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon every time I have to go to the john
Hey, put the seat down,'cause I won't leave it up!
I never forget an important date
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
I don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
Flowers are okay, but jewelry's best
I don't have a problem expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying, you look at the ceiling
Now, you must forward more...
Yo mama's so fat- Yo Mama's so fat, she couldn't fit in a satellite photo. - Yo Mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose - Yo Mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes - Yo Mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs - Yo Mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, kids shout: "Free Willy! free Willy!" - Yo Mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code - Yo Mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise - Yo Mama's so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L. A., Chicago... - Yo Mama's so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance. - Yo Mama's so fat, she jumped in air and got stuck. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she wears Maclom X shirt, helicopters land on her. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down more...
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said,' 'Hey, honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now.''
The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill, and then measured his wife's butt.' 'Yes,'' he said,' 'just what I thought, just about the same size.'' The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening, when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said,' 'How about it, honey? How about a little action?'' the wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
' 'What's the matter?'' he asked
To which she replied,' 'You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?''
16 April 1999, Washington D. C.) We can thank our lucky stars that there are two fewer paramedics around. Carol and Mark were found dead in their suburban home by Mark's 14-year-old son. The couple were wearing respiratory masks attached to an empty canister of nitrous oxide.
Nitrous oxide, commonly known as laughing gas, produces a short-lived high, and is often used as a relaxant in dental offices and outpatient clinics. Like every other pure gas, it must be mixed with air or oxygen, lest it cause suffocation. Needless to say, Carol and Mark did not mix the nitrous oxide with air.
What makes this story a true Darwin Award candidate is that both of the deceased had enough medical training to known better. Mark was a 10-year veteran paramedic with the District of Columbia Fire Department. Carol was studying to become an emergency medical technician in a suburban fire department.
Even more amusing is a quote from the Washington D. C. Fire Department's more...