Gate Jokes / Recent Jokes

St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? ”
“I was a policeman, ” he responded.
“What kind of policeman? ” St Peter asked.
“I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids. ”
“Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates. ”
A few moments later a second man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? ”
“I was a policeman, ” he responded.
“What kind of policeman? ” St Peter asked.
“I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers. ”
“Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise. ”
A few moments later a third man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? ”
“I was a policeman, ” he responded.
“What kind of policeman? ” St Peter asked.
“I was a Military more...

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your more...

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.
So the next day at 12: 01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I more...

St. Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the pit and called to the devil. The devil swaggers up out of the pit and says, "Yo man, whatta ya want." St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it." The devil retorted, "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone to spare for the job right now." St. Peter got angry. "Look we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate." The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available for this." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed, "Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue." A big grin broke out on the devil's face. "Oh ya, and just where are you going to find a lawyer?"

a pig got stuck in the gate so the other pg came by and said how long you been stuck in that gate?
the other pig says oink (week)

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said,' Halt, who goes there?'

The chauffeur, a corporal, says,' General Wheeler.'

'I'm sorry, I can't let you through. My orders are that you've got to have a sticker on the windshield.'

The general said,' Drive on!'

The sentry said,' Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.'

The general repeated,' I'm telling you, son, drive on!'

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said,' General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?'

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
Overcharging fees to many clients.
Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."