General Jokes / Recent Jokes

A young city gal from Chicago was driving through a remote part of Wyoming when her car broke down.
Fortunately, an Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She gratefully accepted, climbed up behind him on the horse and off they rode.
The ride into town was uneventful except for the loud whoop the Indian would let out every few minutes, which echoed back from the surrounding hills.
When they finally arrived in the town, the Indian let her off at the local general store, yelled out one final "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What on earth did you do to get that Indian so excited?" the general store clerk asked.
"I didn't do anything," replied the young woman. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the clerk said, "Indians ride bareback!"

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996) Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Clemson recruit Ray more...

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!"... A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days. A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!" An American replied "John isn't here... is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!"...

Subject: If cars were *really* like computers

What if cars really were like computers? You'd have a helpline to assist in solving problems as they came up... Now just imagine if the same people that answer the phones at Microsoft had to answer the General Motors helpline...

HelpLine:' General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer:' I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open the passenger's side.'

HelpLine:' How did you try to open the passenger's side?'

Customer:' I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side.'

HelpLine:' People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way.'

HelpLine:' General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer:' How do I turn my windshield wipers on?'

HelpLine:' There's a little button more...

A general who had gone out to battle was unable to stave off defeat when the God of the Target appeared to join his ranks and turned the tables on the enemy. Thereupon, the general kowtowed to the God and asked his name.

"I am the God of the Target." "What have I done, my God, to deserve your assistance?" "I've always been grateful to you," replied the God of the Target, " because in the old days when you were practicing archery on the drilling ground, you never once hit me with your arrows."

General Heath, a famous lover of parade music and marching drill ceremonies, once listened to a symphonic orchestra playing. When asked about his impressions, he commented:"No military precision in drill...""Why?""Did you see those violin players? They were moving their bows not in cadence."

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little more...