Gentlemen Jokes / Recent Jokes
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This man was an excellent pilot, but not very good at making passengers feel at ease.
For example, one time the airplane preceeding him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold descent while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement to the passengers:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there."
Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air, and one of the flight attendants relayed their concern to the captain. His announcement to the passengers:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in more...
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back
on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry
if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee
in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the
back of mine!"
Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. Iam tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. Ithink the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people2,000 years ago.Yours truly, A Commuter Dear Sir: We received your letter withreference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you aresomewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad Gentlemen:I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who areconfused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book ofDavid, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on hisass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do onyour train in the last two years.Your truly, A Commuter
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. Then took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.
Both were black.
One of them was big... very big... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.
But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed.
She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of more...
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing more...
one day a gentlemen just moved to a city and looked for a job.Later that day he was hired to be a lumber jack. As weeks went by he got hornier and hornier so he asked his boss where all the girls went? His boss said just go to that tree over there and stick your penis in. So the gentlemen went over to the tree, when hos boss left he put his dick in....He felt the best sensation a blowjob could give.he went on for hours moaning and screaming with all the pleasure. The nxt day after he finished his job he went for more and it was even better than before so he pushed harder and harder until he was exhausted... 2 days later he went back to the tree but nothing happened."No more sucking!"...He went back to his boss and said what happened to the blowjobs? his boss answered today it was your turn to go in the tree!
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a southwest airlines employee: "there may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "thank you for flying delta business express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a more...