Girlfriend Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day a Scottish guy and his girlfreind were walking when the Scottish guy says, "You want to hold my hand, don't you?"
The girlfriend replies, "How can you possibly know that?", and the guy goes, "The twinkle in your eye."
So, they hold hands for a bit, but a little while later the guy goes, "You want to kiss me, don't you?" and she goes, "How can you possibly know that?", to which he replies, "The twinkle in your eye." Sure enough, he is given a kiss by the lass.
Finally, the date is over, and the girl says you want to make love to me, don't you?"
He says, "How can you possibly know that? Is it the twinkle in my eye?"
She says, "No, it's the tilt in your kilt."

10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend's Parents The First Time You Meet Them1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me. 2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday? 3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head? 4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check! 5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times. 6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion. 7. Angie is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her. 8. Nice place you've got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it? 9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Monica's will be okay too. 10. Can I put my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost...

There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's. The first guy says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!""What's the problem?" asks the doctor." I have no dick!"So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week. The next guy comes in and says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's wrong?" the doctor asks." I have no dick!"The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week. The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week. A week later, the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!""Why?" asks the doctor." Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!" He walks out. The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, "Doctor! I hate more...

You might be a redneck if...
After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.
The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
Your grandmother stands up to pee.
A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
In the delivery room, your husband says, "That's worse than skinning a deer!"
You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.
You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".
You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.
You go to more...

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3. 1 to GirlFriendPlus1. 0
(marketing name: Fiancee1. 0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1. 0 to
Wife1. 0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and
Wife1. 0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not
ask for it, Wife1. 0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and
BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming
GirlFriend4. 0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4. 0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
I tried running girlfriend 2. 0 with girlfriend 1. 0 still installed,
they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to
uninstall girlfriend 1. 0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I
tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system
directory. more...

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl more...

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.
He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."
Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.
As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."
When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.
They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, more...