Girls Jokes / Recent Jokes

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.
They more...

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time... they're gone. Lenny Bruce I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine. Mel Gibson I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against. David Niven One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. Edgar Watson Howe Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. Samuel Butler

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,"Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No", said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to hisfriends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything: money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes -- anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles.

So there he was, he and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up.

He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says, " OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my more...

A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see the plant manager, and told him, "When I buy a $80,000 car I expect the damn radio to work."
The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.
He got back into the car and said "Country music," and Willie Nelson started singing. "Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy listening," he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator.
Finally relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham and listening to smooth sounds. Then a red car with jammed with young girls almost ran him off the road. "STUPID BITCHES!" he screamed. Immediately the Spice Girls started singing.

Little John: Why adults often belt boys and girls strongly to discipline them?
Little Kate: John, please remember: for little girls and boys it is unpleasant to be belting. on the contrary, for adults it is a very and very enjoyable process - to belt little girls and boys strongly!