Glad Jokes / Recent Jokes

I'M GLAD I'M A WOMANI'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am. I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections. I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown. And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt. My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind. I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back. When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb. I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side. I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much more...

I have a spell checker It came with my PC It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot see Eye ran this poem threw it Your sure real glad two no Its very polished in its own weigh My chequer tolled me sew A cheek or is a blessing It freeze yew lodes of thyme It helps me right awl stiles two reed And aides me when aye rime Now spilling does not phase me It does knot bring a tier My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped words fare as hear To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should be proud And wee mussed dew the best wee can Sew flaws are knot aloud So ewe can sea why aye dew prays Such soft wear four pea seas And why eye brake in two averse Buy righting want to please -Author Unknown

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before asking directions.
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see three inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the more...

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe
I don't live off yogurt, diet coke or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink, I don't end up in tears
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear
I spend 5 minutes max, fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why, get all bitter and surly
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you
I'm rational, reasonable and logical too
I know what the time more...

A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks."
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The commanding officer is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and more...

'Resumania' is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples:' I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.' (And an eye on the' e' section of the dictionary, evidently.)' Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.'(No problem. ..)' Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.' (Glad to hear it.)' I am very detail-oreinted.' (With the possible exception of spelling)' I can play well with others.' (We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)' Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.' (A new twist on work-family balance.)' Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.' (Have you considered law school?)' My salary requirement is $34 per year.' (They say more...

I was glad when one fish got away. There just wasnt room in the boat for both of us!