Golf Jokes / Recent Jokes

The sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "F***, missed!" each time he missed.
The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it anymore. "Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you."
It didn't make a difference; the sailor continued unabated. One stroke after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "F***, missed!"
Again, the priest said, "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign." It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "F***, missed!"
A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead. A voice was heard in the clouds: "F***, missed!"

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened." Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend." Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said,' Lady, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

I'm glad I'm a woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see - I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from more...

There were three men waiting to tee off at hole#1 when a beautiful lady walked up to them and asked if she could join them, and of course they said yes! She was putting for an even round on 18. She had about a 50 foot put for par. She turned and asked the guys, "Who ever gives me the correct way to put this, i will give them a blowjob." So the first guy says "Just putt it straight and it will go in!" She said nope! The next guy says, "Put it to the right, and it will slant home!" She said no! The last guy walks up and says, "Looks like a gimme to me..."

There hasn't been this many balls in the sand since Tiger Woods round of golf Saturday.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them areplaying like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, hesays, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!""Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wifewith the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches herswing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.""What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, andTHUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway... about 15 ft. more...

My wife said to me, "Frank, it's about time that you learned to play golf - You know, golf. That's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women."
So, I went to see Red Miller and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls, haven't you?"

I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find."

"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow." he said, "And we will tee off."

"What's tea off?" I asked.

He said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."

"Not at a bar somewhere?"
"No, no," he said. "A tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger."

"Yeah, I've got one of those."

"Well," he said, "You stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of more...