Golf Jokes / Recent Jokes
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is."Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground."What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger."Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman."They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger."Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"
Bart and Andrew were playing golf, and, teeing off, Bart sliced to the left and sent his ball flying into the rough. Going after it, he found the ball nestled in a field of buttercups. Taking out his nine-iron; Bart started thrashing away at the buttercups, looking for his ball.
Suddenly Bart heard a woman's voice behind him. "What are you doing?"
Turning, he saw a lovely young woman dressed in a flowing white gown and a wreath of red roses around her head.
Bart said, "What's it any of your business?"
The woman replied, "I'm Mother Nature, and henceforth, for what you've done to my buttercups, you will become deathly sick for a full day whenever you eat butter."
With that the woman faded into a sunbeam and vanished. Astonished, Bart stumbled from the rough to find his partner and tell him what happened. Calling for Andrew, he heard his friend reply, "I'm over here, looking for my ball."
"Where? I can't see more...
A social worker, a minister, and a systems analyst set out one day to
play a friendly game of golf. At the course, they found a long line
waiting to get to the first tee. They asked the party in front of
them what the problem was, and were told that a group of blind golfers
was on the course ahead of them.
The following conversation ensued:
Social Worker: Isn't it wonderful what handicapped people can do if
you just give them half a chance?
Minister: It certainly is, but those golfers aren't on the
course alone. The Lord helps those who help
themselves.
Systems Analyst: Yeah, it's neat all right, but why the hell can't they
play at night?
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
â??Your Holiness,â?? said one of the Cardinals, â??Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.â??
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, â??Have we not,â?? he asked, â??a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?â??
â??None that plays golf very well,â?? a cardinal said. â??But,â?? he added, â??there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, weâ??ll also win the match.â??
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, more...
There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik."So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools."
Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend - "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
"Use this one - You can't lose it!"
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it.
If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"
The man replies, "I found it."
(Think about it... it'll come to you: )
Its friday afternoon and a class of grade twos are waiting to go home, the teacher stands up and "says" anyone who can answer this question can take monday off, she asks how many buckets of sand in the Arizona desert. The kids are stuned, the teacher says alright, no one can answer the question, no one can have a long weekend. The following friday the teacher asks how many buckets of water in the Atlantic Ocean, and once again no could answer it. The next thursday after school one of the students from that class went home and grabed two golf balls from his garage, painted them black let them dry and took them to school the next day. Its five minutes to three and this kid knows that the teacher is going to ask a dumb question so he stands up and throws the golf balls at the black board and sits down really fast, The teacher stands up and says, whos the comedian with the two black balls, the kid stand up and says "Bill Cosby" see you all on Tuesday.