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'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Politically Correct Version
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to ''Elves'',
''Vertically Challenged'' they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was more...

...my neighbor is a marketing genius and a recycling nut. She recycles everything, but this time she has gone too far. Now she wants to recycle her used tampons and market them as tea bags for vampires.

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I`m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren`t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I`d like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You`ll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
The boy replied, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves","Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!? The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E. P. A. And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows: Rudolf was suing over more...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit.
He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well"...explained the husband..."it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."
He continues..."well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once."
"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice."
"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time."
My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead."
"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to me more...