Gone Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and "poof" she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and "poof" she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sarah Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sarah Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He
hands it back to her and says,... "No sister, this says' Sahara Pipeline' laid by l, 900 men in 6 months."

LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says:
" Normally, one is granted three wishes, but as you are three, I will allow one wish each. "
So the eager senior manager shouted: " I want the first wish.
I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."
Pfufffff …. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted:
" I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "
Pfufffff …. And he was also gone.
The boss calmly said: " I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12. 30 pm. "
MORAL OF THE STORY: ALWAYS LET THE BOSS SPEAK FIRST

LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand," Listen," said more...

A man phoned the law office and told the receptionist, "I want to speak with my lawyer."
"I'm sorry, he's gone. He passed away last week," she replied.
The following day, he called again and said the same thing, "I want to speak with my lawyer."
The receptionist said, "I already told you yesterday, Mr. Barnes passed away last week."
The very next day he called again and again told her he wanted to speak with his lawyer. By this time, the receptionist was very annoyed and said to him, "Look, I keep telling you that your lawyer is gone, dead, passed away. Why do you continue to call.?
"Because I love hearing it!" he replied.

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.
The first said, “The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it’s got such big jowls. One bite and your gone. ”
The second shook his head and said “Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain’t nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap? , one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone. ”
The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, ” No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator. ”
The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.
The gentleman slowly began to explain, ” A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an ‘gator head on the other”
“Wait! interrupted the others, “If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit? ”
The reply was simply, ” He don’t, that’s what makes him so mean”.

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately more...

“Twas the night before Christmas”
(Politically Correct)
‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck.
How to live in a world - that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and that looked darned stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E. P. A.
And people had started to ring for the cops
When they heard loud noises upon their rooftops.
Secondhand smoke from his pipe had workers all frightened.
His fur-trimmed red more...

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? A: Lipstick. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth. Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks. Q: Why do blondes wear panties? A: They make good ankle warmers. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show! Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? A: more...