Gone Jokes / Recent Jokes
There once was a man who had a terrible love for baked beans. The problem was that everytime he ate them he got horrible gas.He met a wonderful woman and they fell in love. After dating for some time he asked her to marry him. She said yes but only under one condition, if he would stop eating beans. She couldn't stand the affect they made on him. Well, him loving her so much agreed.
A few years later on the man's birthday he was driving home from work early because his wife wanted to make a nice dinner for him. On his way home though the car broke down. So he called his wife from a pay phone and said he was going to be late. Well, on his way home he passed by a restaurant that was letting out the wonderful aroma of baked beans. He decided that if he had some he would be able to walk of the ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ended up ordering 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. So on his way home he was pooting and tooting the whole way there. By the time he got more...
Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?" His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1. 87?" The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1. 80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"
The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it. "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing. more...
A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished stoned jewelry.
"I am' Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first.
"I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich more...
Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need anyone," they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything."
"Well we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job." He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks - one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman. I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
Morris was gone about six hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five more...
Then there was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies.
But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.
This one night she didn't want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don't come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.
"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed," she told him.
"Oh, relax," says the husband, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone."
"Just keep your mouth shut," says the wife. Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.
She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and more...
Everything Gone
A man was complaining to a friend:
"I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
You Might Be Addicted to AOL if...
... Tech Support calls "You" for help.... Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL... You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.... You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"... you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's... you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone"... you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it... you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences... you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing... when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"... you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.... you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family's.... you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone more...