Gone Jokes / Recent Jokes

Twas the night before Christmas and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh, and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I am speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right,
Whoa Shithead, whoa asshole, whoa stupid, whoa putz,
Either more...

Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Your honor.

A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a large law firm are walking through a city park, when they spotted an antique oil lamp.
The paralegal picked it up, but both the associate and partner grabbed for it, arguing that they found it first. Their tussling had the effect of rubbing the lamp, and to their shock a Genie emerged in a great cloud of smoke.
The Genie announced, "In gratitude of your freeing me from the lamp, I grant you three wishes. As there are three of you, you each get one wish."
The paralegal blurts out, "I want to be in the Barbados, sipping cocktails with a gorgeous movie star." Poof! The paralegal was gone.
The associate, excited by the events, stammers, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! The associate was gone.
"You're last," the Genie says to the partner, "What is your wish?"
The partner more...

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you more...

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you more...

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves","Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!? The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of more...

'Twas the night beforeChristmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a worldthat's politically correct?
His workers no longer wouldanswer to "Elves".
"VerticallyChallenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at thenorth pole
Were alleged by the unionto stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds bythe Humane Society.
And equal employment hadmade it quite clear
That Santa had better notuse just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Cometand Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had beenremoved from his sleigh;
The ruts were termeddangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started tocall for the cops
When they heard sled noiseson their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from hispipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suitwas called "Unenlightened."
And to show more...