Good Jokes / Recent Jokes

EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION
Date ____________________
Name _____________________
Department ________________________
Title _____________________________
Supervisor _________________________
KNOWLEDGE
1. This s.o.b. really knows his shit!
2. Knows most phases of job.
3. Knows just enough to be dangerous.
4. Stupid bastard couldn't hit his ass with both hands.
5. Fucker is brain damaged, a cup of coffee has a higher I.Q.
ACCURACY
1. Does excellent work, if not preoccupied with sex.
2. Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass.
3. Does shitty work and constantly fucks up.
4. Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.
RATE OF WORK
1. Fastest mo-fo I ever saw.
2. Fast s.o.b., if he thinks he'll get a raise.
3. Does a lot of work, at salary review time.
4. Works only if kicked in the ass every five minutes.
5. Couldn't do less work if he was in a coma.
DEPENDABILITY
1. more...

It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Wyatt Earp sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Wyatt and said, "Mr. Earp, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"Wyatt put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."The boy stepped back and Mr. Earp said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol more...

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a Pathan got on. Six feet four, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the conductor and said, "Pathan doesn`t pay!" and sat down at the back. Conductor didn`t argue with Pathan, but he wasn`t happy about it. The next day the same thing happened? Pathan got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Pathan was taking advantage of poor conductor. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what`s more, he felt really good about himself. So, on the next Monday, when more...

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!" The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."
The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister", said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked: "How many boxes more...

The facelift - 2
Morris decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 at Bushey hospital and feels really good about the result. But would others see how good he looked? So he thought he would put this to the test. On his way home, he stops off at Brent Cross shopping centre. He first of all goes into Smiths, buys a newspaper and says to the girl behind the cash desk, "I hope you don`t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," came the reply.
"I`m actually 47," Morris says, feeling really happy.
Then he goes into Fenwicks for lunch and asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29 ".
"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.
In the car park on the way out, Morris meets two elderly ladies and asks them the same question. One of them winks to the other and replies, "I can’t really tell. I am 70 years old and my eyesight more...

A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Never squat with yer spurs on.
There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop more...

The average Englishman, in his home he calls his castle, puts on his national costume - A shabby Raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland. He drives a car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland. At the office he receives his mail with adhesive stamps which, although they bear the queen of England`s head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland. During the day he uses the telephone, Invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland. At home in the evening he watches his daughter ride her bicycle, invented by Kilpatrick MacMillan, A Blacksmith from Dumfries, Scotland. He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburough Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland. He has now been reminded too much of Scotland, and in desperation picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot - King James VI - more...