Grabs Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman comes out of the shower one morning. Her husband sneaks up behind her, grabs a hold of her breasts, and says 'honey, if you firm these up a little bit you wouldn't have to wear a bra quite as much.'
She was furious and didn't speak to him for the rest of the week.
The next week, as she comes out of the shower, he sneaks up behind her again, grabs a hold of her buttocks, and says 'honey, if you firm these up a little bit, you wouldn't have to wear a girdle quite as much.
Well she was furious.
Next morning, he comes out of the shower, and she sneaks up behind him, grasp a hold of his penis, and says 'you know honey, if you firm this up a little bit, I wouldn't have to see your brother quite as much!!!"

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss more...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, more...

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a drink for himself. The bartender looks at the monkey and says to the guy, "Hey, we have health standards here, get that monkey out of here!"
"Aw," says the guy, "He's Okay. I'll pay for any damages that he makes."
Ill at ease, the bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
"That's it!" the bartender screams, "Get that monkey out of here!"
"Hey," says the guy, "it's Okay. Look, I'll pay you for the cue ball and leave."
The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his monkey and leaves.
Two weeks later, the same guy with the same monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender, remembering the incident, says, "Listen buddy, are you going to keep your monkey in line?"
"Yeah," says the guy, "don't worry about any cue more...

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

There are four people on a plane. Pilot, The Smartest Man in the World, a father, and a son.
The pilot does something wrong so the plane is about to crash. There are only 3 paracutes.
The pilot says "I need to survive this crash to go on piloting more planes." He grabs one and jumps off the plane.
The smartest man inthe world says " I need to survive this crash teaching people of my knowledge." He grabs one and jumps off.
The father says "Son you can have the last paracute I have lived longer than you and had more experience in life so go ahead."
The son says "Thats ok Dad the smart man took my backpack..."

A woman gets on a bus, as she passes the driver he grabs his throat and makes choking noises. The woman starts crying and hits the driver with her purse. A few minutes later the buzzer goes off and the lady passes the driver as she is getting off the bus.
The driver again grabs his throat and makes choking noises. The lady starts crying and again hits the driver with her purse.
A passenger sitting behind the driver whose curiosity has gotten the better of him asked the driver, "What is that all about?"
The driver replies, "Oh, her daughter hanged herself last night and I'm just teasing her."