Grand Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man sees a beautiful Grand Father Clock in a store and, just has to have it. Unfortunately, it takes all of his cash to pay for it and he cannot afford the forty dollar delivery charge. He elects to take it home himself, in the back of his Station Wagon.
As he is struggling to carry it out of the front of the store to his auto, a staggering drunk stumbles into him and knocks the clock to the sidewalk, smashing it!
The man is furrious! He shouts, "WHY DON'T YOU LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING?!"
The drunk looks back at him in disgust, and replies, "Why can't you carry a watch like everyone else?"

A man bought a brand new Grand Cherokee for 30-some thousand dollars with $400+ dollar monthly
payments. He immediately got hold of his friend and they went to do some male bonding. They went duck
hunting... and of course, all the lakes are frozen.
The two went to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drove
out onto the lake ice and got ready. Now, they wanted to make some kind of a natural landing area for
the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to make a hole
large enough to look like something a wandering duck would want to fly down and land on, it is going
to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the new Grand Cherokee came the new owner, the friend, the dog, and a stick of dynamite
with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these 2 Rocket Scientists did take into consideration that if they
placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a more...

Every Chad down in Chadville liked voting a lot.
But the Grinch, from North Chadville, most certainly did not!
The Grinch hated voting! He thought it a bore.
Now, please don't ask why. Could be Bush, could be Gore.
It could be his heart bled with liberal mush.
It could be, perhaps, that he listened to Rush.
But I think the real reason his trust was so shattered
Was the great Grinchy view that his vote never mattered.
Whatever the reason, Lack of trust, lack of goals,
The Grinch dreaded that day when Chads went to the polls.
He just hated those speeches and negative ads,
And when push came to shove, he just hated the Chads.
He just hated their theme parks, their football-team rooters,
He just hated their gun laws, their barmaids at Hooters.
He just hated their weather, even hated their hate.
And he hated that they were a battleground state.
"So they're making their choices," he snarled with a more...

Passed on by a friend at work, origin unknown (but probably caused by a quantum fluctuation)
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This more...

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was not used to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."

Dear Jokers who provide Yo mama jokes,
Please do not post yo mama jokes previously posted in this Joke Page.
It's a waste of your time, our time and bandwith.
Please read the following collection of YO MAMA SO FAT' jokes. Future
jokers, read this and if you can find something new about the fat mama
then submit your joke. (OLD MAMA, TALL MAMA, POOR MAMA etc.
will follow)
YO MAMA IS SO FAT
Yo mama so fat. . . she's fat!
Yo mama so fat God can't lift her spirits!
Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
Yo mama so fat God said "Let there be Light", and moved her fat ass.
Yo mama so fat I got rich by making her sit on coal.
Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side!
Yo mama so fat I have to roll her over twice to get her on her back.
Yo mama so fat I saw her on top of the Empire State building snatching at airplanes.
Yo mama so fat I'm more...

La maitresse demande aux eleves de sa classe de CE1 ce qu'ils veulent faire comme metier lorsqu'ils seront grand:
"Moi je veut etre pompier madame!" reponds Jerome.
"C'est bien Jerome....et toi Mickael?"
"Moi je veux etre policier madame!"
"Ah!...Et toi Marjory?"
"Moi je veux etre maitresse comme vous maitresse!"
"C'est bien Marjory, c'est un tres joli metier..."
Puis elle se tourne vers Toto, au dernier rang, The Le Cancre de la classe:
"Et toi Toto?"
"Moi je veux etre grand rocker maitresse!"
"Ah...Et c'est quoi 'grand rocker' Toto?"
"Grand rocker, c'est le blouson en cuir, la moto, les salopes..." et PAFFFFF!!! Toto se ramasse une grande claque dans la gueule et se met a pleurer... A la fin de la journee, Toto rentre chez lui et raconte toute l'histoire a ses parents: "....et je lui ai dit que je voulait etre grand rocker et elle m'a more...