Grandfather Jokes / Recent Jokes

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie wentstraight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmotherand comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years oldhaving sex would surely be asking for trouble." Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advancedage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells wouldstart to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Little Cindy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one... a man on the bench across from him said, "You know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Cindy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Cindy answered, "No, he minded his own damn business."

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a filmlike substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather: "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to more...

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the bride's Grandfather slipped her ten $100 bills, which she concealed in her glove, since he told her to keep it for "mad money".
By tradition, the newlywed couple spent their first night together in the family's historic house.
Later that night, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs and asked where she was going.
"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."
"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damn thing with your bare hands, just as I did your Grandfather's!"

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.After a while he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 20 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 50 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for five full minutes!Eventually, he even started putting potatoes in the sacks.